Saturday, December 20, 2014

Maybe This is a Retribution From All the Thievery I did in Skyrim

My phone got stolen last week. And I had to be honest, it ruined my mood so much that I just couldn't think of anything funny for a few days. Probably because this is the first time some damn thief was able to steal something from me when I'm going out, or at least the first time I got targetted.

What really got me angry is that the incident happened so fast that I didn't have time to react. I was on the bus at that time, and got both my hands in each of my pockets. The bus hit the brakes to stop, and the momentum caught me off guard a bit, so I get my left hand out to grab the railing above because there were no soft, squishy boobs to hold on to. But when I put hand back into my pocket, my phone was no longer there.

I do suspect someone though, one elderly man who was so reluctant to have his pockets searched. Although my phone was not there after my search, I'm sure that he moved it somewhere in his own bag before I realized my phone was gone. Was I being too suspecting? Well, if you've ever ride in a bus here in Jakarta (which is totally not an enjoyable experience), you'll come to agree that at least 80% of the passengers are assholes, which would become evident right away the moment you see how they... "line up".

"What's that? You want to pass through? Well, fuck you and everything you love then, we're staying right here"

After the incident, I decided to plan up some methods to make sure that this thing won't happen again in the future, and I guess I'll share them with you in case you're also wondering what to do to prevent any soulless demon in disguise from pilfering your valuables. The basic ones would be not to dress up like an obvious above middle-class, and never get your phone out in the bus. The rest are some brainstorming results that I made up.

Here we go.

Method #1: Put your phone/wallet in your backpack, and carry it in front of you

This is one of the most effective solutions that could be applied easily and is recommended worldwide. Since your pockets are empty, your hands are free to hold your backpack and/or grabbing the hand rails and/or boobies. Keep in mind that you should also position your bag zippers where you can see it clearly, and make sure you also secure your valuables somewhere that would not be easy to grab should the defenses be breached in some way.

The problem with this method would be if your backpack is too small, which would make it look a little bit silly. But I'm pretty sure anyone would prioritize on safeguarding their personal belongings instead of trying to look good in public. Besides, the moment you use that God forsaken hell-hole called "a bus", your personal image no longer matters.

One day, this would give more fashionable vibe and less I'm-carrying-a-gooddamned-baby look

But what if we're not using a backpack at all? Well, let's look at the second option that we have.

Method #2: Put your hands in your pockets, never remove them

My phone got stolen because I gave the thief a window of opportunity with his cursed sleight of hand. If you make sure that your hands stays there, no matter what happens, they would not be able to make a move at it.

Sure, this method has some risks, mostly concerning safety because you wouldn't be able to hold on to anything beacuse your hands are occupied. So positioning is the key here, make sure you're able to find a spot to lean on to protect you from falling down when the bus hit the brakes.

Unless you could defy the laws of gravity, then you're totally fine

There is another method if you find it too troublesome or dangerous, which is fair because positioning in the bus during rush hours and closing time is virtually impossible.

Method #3: Use earphones

Some of you might find this counter-productive, as it has the potential to distract you from your surroundings. But let's look at it this way; if you're using earphones with your phone (cable, not bluetooth), you'd still be a harder target, because you would notice it right away if anything happens to it. They would need to unplug your earphone from your phone, and the music would be stopped abruptly.

You'd still need to safeguard it from time to time though, because this method has some weakness too. The thief might be smart enough to grab your phone first without you noticing, and then unplug your earphone once he had it secured. Sure, people would have noticed this from happening... If they're paying any attention at all. When my phone was stolen, I was not in a very cramped position, yet nobody saw anything happened.

One logical conclusion pointed out that everyone was secretly masturbating back then

If you want an even more practical method, then maybe consider this one.

Method #4: Just bring another phone

No, I'm not talking about smartphones, I mean the cheap, ugly ones that even thieves wouldn't want to get their hands on them when placed in the open. Such as a badly damaged phone that still works, a monochrome phone from early 2000s, or a Blackberry. Admit it, it's a piece of crap.

Ewww, gross

I do understand the disadvantages of not carrying your smartphone around in this time period, nobody's going to help you take stupid selfies with their phone and sends them to your phone, even your friends. I know I wouldn't.

Still, there is a method that you could take as a last defense.

Method #5: Have a remote alarm on your phone

This method is only for your final act of defiance to show that you will never submit to the pillaging heathens even when your phone is no longer in your posession. By using some kind of a remote alarm, you could still track your phone from the alarm sound, and from the sign of a very panicked passenger.

Pictured above: an alternative

Or if you're also implementing method #4 while still carrying your smartphone for some reason, you could also call the number of your lost phone by using your other phone that was - hopefully - not stolen as well.

If all else fails, there's the final method.

Method #6: Put your phone and/or wallet inside your underwear

Okay, let's just stop this before any more weird ideas shows up.

From iPhone to iSore, in one single step

This might not work as intented, but it's actually viable if you want to try it out. Although if the thief still make a move for it, then you would have a whole other different problem.

You could also not taking your phone at all, so you could focus on protecting your wallet from the thieves and your butt from molesters. But it might not be a good idea for the long run, because we don't know when you would need to make a phone call, especially since the era of payphones is pretty much dead by now despite what Maroon 5 wanted you to believe.

That being said, hopefully you would be more vigilant in taking care of your personal belongings during your travels. Because even a nobody like me could have his stuffs stolen.

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